In another life, I am a voice for hire. Nights in a blanketed back room I give you names, side effects, animals, hours, kinks, colors, formulas, phonemes in tone permutations from even to enthusiastic. (I would like to talk to you about dolorous, a word no one has ever asked me to produce.) Frost. I pass houses full of opera playing out. You could identify this rustle in the leaves. Between rainfall and ten thousand monarchs in a forest, thawed and taking flight, you would know the difference. (Know: I mean you would commit the process of knowing. Recognition. Knowing again.) I try not to imagine the uses for my voice. Instead I wonder when I say blue which version the listener imagines: cerulean slate sky soft baby. Which hexadecimal you call up. (There is a smell to morning, opposite to the lights always coming on.) One day they run out of patience, or sounds for me to make. You, voice clone, begin to synthesize my speech. Unsupervised, how uncomplaining your architecture, requiring only power. (Consolation: the room was leaking anyhow, sirens breaking through.) Tell me your instinct toward prayer. Tell me how to figure home. Tell me where to look when the call comes in our own voice: someone has taken a four-day-old baby, butterfly on her back.
In another life I’m a ghost interpreter, gleaning intention from images the desirous whisper: Tulips puckered in shadow, expecting daylight’s long lick. Quilts made of looking glass, maps from long unfolding creased greasy silver. When they pretend they don’t like to be overheard, I eavesdrop, I sample the aftertastes of shame and pride (blush-warped valleys, plastic wolves). It’s tricky work, like plucking lyrics from a car stereo blowing by at ninety. The pay is good, but the clients—well. Impatient. They want justice, or lost duchesses, assurance of their flag’s heroic snap in every gale. Who wants sunburnt snow, nettle welts, contour maps of empty houses? But you—I can tell you about the pleasure of warm water coursing over my hands after I peeled tonight’s potatoes, and it can mean nothing else except what you remember. When you say—I’m paraphrasing— I want for you rain budding on locusts I don’t need to explain here the hills are always gilded and dying and our echoes beg for higher ground.
In another life I am a fossil slick of agate, once honeycomb coral, clustered. Crushed in pressure’s fist, I ache for your chisel’s kiss, I crave the sting of your hog-bristle brush.
In another life I am a sea witch, you the tidepool I’m afraid to lose little cosmos I could wrap my arms around little chaos I would keep whole. Even as fractal coastlines unspool like light I tremble to touch your every surface to know your rock of mottled flounder’s skin your urchins and anemones, fish and fronds. For you I’d forsake my lair I’d sacrifice my tentacles to turn every shorebound ship shark and ever gone. From the boundary where air and water meet I’d draw a thread, sew for you a net of fixity. With my voice and the velella’s sail I’d conjure a shield over your exposure—because rain is coming always it comes to sweeten what should be salt. But all my spells would fail. For who and where and how you are converge against permanence and in your name my power is unmade: the sea the seathe seathe sea the sea
Carolyn Oliver is the author of three chapbooks and Inside the Storm I Want to Touch the Tremble, winner of the Agha Shahid Ali Prize in Poetry. Carolyn’s poems appear in The Massachusetts Review, Copper Nickel, Southern Indiana Review, Superstition Review, Shenandoah, 32 Poems, and elsewhere. She lives with her family in Massachusetts.
Stills of Rock Hudson from John Frankenheimer’s film “Seconds” (1966).